Have you ever considered that other people might not be the problem, but your expectations are? Granted, we should have reasonable expectations of people in different relationships. I should expect that a bank that holds my money will not steal it. I should expect that other people on the road will obey the laws (or, at least, drive courteously when ignoring speed limits). There are reasonable expectations that we should have of others in our various relationships. When people don’t meet those reasonable expectations, I have two choices: 1) change my relationship with the person, or 2) continue to maintain my expectations even though they never meet them. The first response maintains, “If this is the way you want to be and the decisions you want to make, then I can’t go with you.” Your expectations change for the person and the relationship, and though it may hurt, you change the relationship.
The second response–continuing to maintain your expectations for a person who consistently disappoints–means that you will live in constant frustration or anger. You know what they are doing is foolish, and you want what is best for them. So, you continue to expect that they will come around. However, they consistently do the same things and are unwilling to change. Because you say you care for them, you maintain your expectations and, therefore, live in a constant state of disappointment and anger. Your anger in that situation is not the other person’s fault. He is who he is and does what he does. You can’t control that … and that’s what’s making you angry. You want him to do what you want him to do. You have no control over another person’s decisions, and you hate it. Why do you keep expecting a horse to act like a cat? Adjust your expectations and your relationship to where the person is. Maybe you can’t be as close to the person as you wish, but that’s the other person’s decision. By his actions, he is saying he doesn’t want to be close to you, at least not if he must change his ways to do so. He likes what he is doing more than he wants a close relationship with you. Accept his decision. But you think you can force it somehow. You can’t. Change the nature of the relationship. Why do you want to stay in a state of constant anger concerning someone over whom you have no control?
Expectations constantly frustrate idealists. They keep up with the latest influencers who portray themselves as having it all together. Their families are perfect. Their churches are perfect. Life is wonderful. But your family is messy, and your church is messy. You have an idea of what everything ought to be, and nothing meets your expectations. Welcome to this little thing called reality. No matter where you go, people are messy. I don’t care what is broadcast online; people are sinners, and if you move into that situation, you will be disappointed. It’s “the grass is greener” syndrome. Sure, some of those messes need to be dealt with, but you also need to manage your expectations. Maybe you have an idea in your head of what this other person ought to be and how he ought to relate to you, but he never committed to that; he never even hinted that he was going to do anything that you dreamed he would do. Your disappointment is your fault, not his.
Manage your expectations. Keep them real. Don’t set up demands for people that they never committed to. Let people be who they are. Help them where they want help. Adjust your life accordingly.